Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Where I Have Been Hiding

I have to be honest with y'all. I haven't been online much. In the past few weeks, I've mostly only been on the computer to check my bank accounts and to write a few emails. I have not really had any interest at all in doing anything else.

I want to assure all of you that it's not you, it's me. I've been a little on the depressed side. It's not really bad. At least not right now. I was starting to get really crazy a few months ago, but I am feeling a little better each day.

There's nothing wrong. Really. It's all chemical. My kids are fine. My husband is fine. And, although my new job is new and slightly more stressful than counting up dollar store items, this started way before I got a new job. I'm reasonably sure that it started out as a seasonal thing. What with not seeing sunshine between October and February.

I am spending most of my off-time in bed. I pretty much just want to sleep right now. There's not enough coffee in the world to perk me up. Ironically, all of my new co-workers like to tell me that I have more energy than anyone they know. Weird. I have been crocheting a bit, because I have a deadline for a small publishing project, but not as much as I should be. Usually a deadline would make me a lot more industrious.

Of course, my main problem, which I was afraid of happening, is my hoarding issues. This is not the first time in my life that I have been depressed, so I should know what to expect. I get in this state of mind where any amount of dirt or untidiness in the house makes me want to huddle in a corner and cry. As a result, I ignore it. And so the mess piles up. And up. And UP. My house is disgusting right now.

It's difficult to explain to people who have never felt it. I can't actually physically make myself clean things. I try. I try to make plans and lists. I tell myself that all I have to do is pick up that thing off the floor and put it away, but then I start to feel overwhelmed and end up going to bed.

Anyway, that's what I have been doing the last few weeks. Hiding in bed. But, I am gradually starting to feel better. I am out of bed right now, at 9:37 am, so that's already an improvement. And I plan to help my youngest with a dinosaur diorama for school later on. That may help.

Don't worry about me. I'm OK. Or at least I will be. And I think I can come online more often now. In between trying to catch up on my cleaning. Baby steps, though. I have to be careful not to overwhelm myself, or else I end up right back in bed again.

So, that's my excuse. I'm sorry. I'll be around more. And maybe I will even be funny again soon, and not so lame and depressing.


Blogger noricum said...

*hugs* Depression sucks. :P

April 4, 2007 at 7:14 AM  
Anonymous Valbee said...

You're not alone, Tara. Not alone at all. Hugs from me as well.

April 4, 2007 at 7:54 AM  
Anonymous Daisy (Stacey) said...

Take care of yourself *hugs* Depression is awful. I've been there.

April 4, 2007 at 8:55 AM  
Blogger Christy said...

Oh Tara I know what you mean. Maybe find some comfort in the fact that I'm there with ya too. :) Hugs!

April 4, 2007 at 9:11 AM  
Blogger Lucy said...

Hey...I hope you keep feeling are one of the funniest bloggers around!! You always make be laugh!! Take care....we need you, girl!!!

April 4, 2007 at 9:29 AM  
Blogger Lucy said...

Sorry...that's make ME laugh (not "be"!) Come know that made you smile!!! Take care!

April 4, 2007 at 9:30 AM  
Blogger Dianne said...

I know exactly how you feel. Been there many times. Hope you're feeling better soon.

April 4, 2007 at 12:28 PM  
Blogger Tammy said...

Amazing how many of us get what you're talking about because we've been there. Must be a rite of womanhood or something, me thinks. ;)

April 4, 2007 at 1:12 PM  
Blogger Sally said...

I feel your pain Tara. I just had to go back on my meds because I was a weepy mess. I understand the overwhelming-ness of life too, and you're right, it does suck. Know that we are all thinking of you, and if it helps you feel better, you should post as many damn depressing posts as you want! Because we will all still read them and be here when you are feeling better. :o) Hang in there. It WILL get better.

April 4, 2007 at 3:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

{hugs} I can relate to the house thing. I get unhappy when my space isn't neat and tidy. It's a very upsetting feeling when stuff is all over the place. Some springtime weather, when it comes, will go a long way. Hang in there!

April 5, 2007 at 8:28 AM  
Blogger .:Cris:. said...

Sending sunshine your way... but only if you keep your derned arctic Canadian air up there ;)

Miss your blogging, feel better soon!


ps... H really needs your bashing, so I bet he misses you too :)

April 5, 2007 at 8:48 AM  
Blogger aj said...

Big happy thoughts hugs sent your way, Tara.

Depression is unfortunately no stranger to me, either. I can totally relate to your post.

Take your time - we'll be here!

April 5, 2007 at 10:37 AM  
Blogger Tracey said...

Hang in there, things will get better. It just takes time. I've been there myself. Talking to others does help, and you know we are all here for you. We love reading your blog. You're adventures help keep us laughing! *Hugs*

April 8, 2007 at 6:03 AM  

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