Thursday, April 5, 2007

I want to thank everyone who commented and emailed yesterday. I'm so glad I have y'all as friends. I'm not embarrassed about being depressed, but it's certainly not the kind of thing that I advertise. People don't really seem to look at you the same once they think you are a few turnip sacks short of a full load. As a result, I never seem to be able to vent. I should have known I could count on all of you.

Depression is not new to me or my family. Thankfully, I do not get as severely depressed as the rest of them. I've never needed the happy pills before (although I am considering it now), and I have never been suicidal. My family (and I mean EVERYONE in my family) gets pretty crazy once in a while. A lot of them are on pills and it's not all that much of a surprise anymore to hear of a botched suicide attempt. It's pretty tiring, actually, but I'm glad most of them are so bad at it. So far, only my grandmother and a bottle of Tylenol 3 were successful (that was about 22 or so years ago).

Anyway, I'm not that bad. And I wouldn't let myself get that bad. If the worst part of my depression is a messy house and some pretty crappy feelings, I won't stress too much about that. But, it is hard to tell people in your life about it.

I've discussed it with my husband, but it tends to freak him out. Like a typical male, he wants to FIX things. Like I'm broken, or something. He immediately assumed that I was unhappy with my life, blamed himself, then started making plans to quit the army, move out west and be a cop (so I could be closer to my family). I told him HE was nuts. I don't want to move. I'm not unhappy.

I think that's the hardest part to explain to the non-depressable people. There is a HUGE difference between sad and unhappy. They want to pin the sad feelings to something. Some event or person. They are just random feelings, though. The only difference is that once the depression is there, little events DO make you sad or angry when they normally wouldn't.

For instance, we have no brakes on our van. I've already missed one shift and will have issues getting to work tonight. It's stressful. So I stayed in bed until almost noon.

Also, the dinosaur diorama was actually fun to make yesterday. It even has a few play-doh blobs that slightly resemble dinosaurs. And a volcano. And rocks. And, because five-year-olds always want to contribute their favorite play-doh masterpieces, the diorama has a few pre-historic play-doh snakes. And worms. And purple logs for the triceratops to eat. Unfortunately, I woke this morning (afternoon) to find that the pterodactyl has vanished. I strongly suspect the cat, since he was trying to play with it last night as it lay drying, but it could have been the dog, too. Lucky for both of them that I don't know who did it. Usually the thought of making a new play-doh dinosaur would perk me up. Not today. I don't really feel like it.

So, I guess I will spend the rest of the day trying to clean the kitchen and hoping I get a way to go to work.

Thanks again, everyone. Y'all are like my own little happy pills.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can relate, Tara, I have the same kind of genes from my mother's side of the family. There were two suicides there. I don't feel like that but I do tend to get blue. Probably more people feel like you do than you think. It's good to know you're not alone. Hang in there, hon. Vent if it helps. You know, even when you're feeling down, your blog is still interesting and funny as heck! (I'm refering to your husband and fixing and moving!)

April 5, 2007 at 10:23 AM  
Blogger aj said...

Men are like that!

My hubby gets all "what can I do to fix the way you're feeling?" when I get the blues like that.

He actually uses the word "fix." Eesh.

Like Sue said, venting does help. Come on your blog and write it all. Save as a draft if you think it's too personal. You should see how many posts I've got like that.

Sat and typed them up, and that alone made me feel better. They've never been posted, but I feel as if I got the words out there.

PS - the last three letters of my word verification today are "wtf". Hee hee.

April 5, 2007 at 10:42 AM  
Blogger Becky in Iowa :O) said...

Depression is such a sucky thing. Everyone thinks they know how to fix it when even the person that is depressed has no idea why they are depressed in the first place. I spent the better part of a year in bed because I had no energy. My doc did every test known to man and finally gave up and sent me to a shrink. They all decided that I was tired because of depression. Ummmm I was depressed because I was tired. But then the depression made me tired too.

I get the whole messy house deal too. Mom says I'm depressed because the house is a mess and I just need to clean and I'll feel better. Ummmm no, the house is a mess because I'm depressed.

They just don't get it. sigh

April 5, 2007 at 10:55 AM  
Blogger noricum said...

J used the words "broken" and "fix" with me too, although he said that after helping his ex, he couldn't go through that again. :P

*hugs* ...I spent the morning in bed myself.

Somehow my word verification seem somehow appropriate too: nhhhk (like someone trying really hard to overcome something.)

April 5, 2007 at 2:52 PM  
Blogger Monet said...

I'm just going to say I LOVE YOU :) *HUGZ*

April 9, 2007 at 8:15 AM  
Blogger Lucy said...

I'm a worrier from way back...hence the use of so called "happy pills"...did wonders for me AND my family! I'm hoping they will help me through menopause in a few years....I asked my doc if I could take them till I die at 108....he said NO PROBLEMO!! They don't make me happy, I think that comes naturally, they just keep me from worrying so much about EVERYTHING!! We're here for ya, girl!

April 10, 2007 at 9:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Where are you? I need your blog entry daily; you keep me laffing.
I am a lurker and I am coming out of lurkerkingdom (is that a word?) you know, the world of lurkers, just to coax you back. Your public needs you. Come on back girlfriend.

Your friend and long time lurker,

April 12, 2007 at 8:09 PM  

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