The Hair

I know you've all been such patient little troopers. It's time, though. The Hair is done. And the photo of The Hair is taken.

But, first, we must discuss The Hair. Why? Because it's my blog, that's why. Suck it up and read on.

The Hair has had a wild and crazy ride throughout it's life perched on top of my head. It has seen boy cuts, mushroom cuts, poodle perms, bad dye jobs, etc. It hasn't always been pretty. And, for the most part, I didn't care. I did not style The Hair myself. I was a rebel. I chose to ignore the big bangs of the eighties and opted for long, straight bangs hiding in my face. A decade later, when everyone wanted long, straight bangs hanging in their face, I got swirly, curly perms. In the end, I almost never liked The Hair.

However, that did not stop me from having an illogical attachment to The Hair. I had difficulties letting anyone cut The Hair. I could go months, even a year, without getting The Hair cut. And when I did, I felt like I was getting a limb cut off.

Why? Because I have issues. Keep up, people.

Also, just about the only time The Hair was styled (for school photos or flower girl gigs), my mom would curl The Hair with a curling iron. My mom wielding a hot metal stick was a scary thing indeed. In fact, I had more than one line of burnt skin across my forehead while growing up. Hence, perhaps, the need to curl The Bangs over the forehead. To hide the scars.

I'm sorry, Mom. You know it's true.

So, in summary, The Hair has had a tumultuous life. I feel, however, that The Hair has a resting point. A style that it strives to be. YEARNS to be. MUST BE. It's all very scientific. Really.

So, through absolutely no scientific process at all, I feel that The Hair has finally found it's destiny. With the help of my stylist, Leva. Who kept telling everyone that I was getting my hair cut like Farrah Foster. Whatever.

OK. Are you ready? For sure?

First, a sneaky surveillance photo of what The Hair looked like before:

OK, here it is. Get your hands ready for clapping......

I know. I know. The Hair is FABULOUS. It was slightly more fab last night, but the damn camera batteries needed more time to charge. It's still AWESOME, though. Not quite Jill Munroe, but close. Maybe a little bit of Sabrina and Kelly thrown into the mix. I will need a much better curling iron, too. For bigger curls. BIG.

You should probably stop drooling now. I know you love The Hair, but you don't want to electrocute yourself by dripping on your keyboard.

And, just as a special weekend treat for all my visitors to Taradise, a photo I found of myself when I was younger....as a detective.

Nancy Drew, watch your ass.

Let's talk PI. No. I don't mean 3.14159265. That would just be weird. And totally out of character for me. Seriously. When have I ever shown y'all an interest in math? Even though my mom is a brilliant accountant. Sorry, Mom.

And I don't mean pies. As in apple or blueberry. Although, that did just make me want some apple crisp with my coffee.

No, I mean private investigators. PI's. Private Eyes. Dicks. Angels, if you will.

So, I was at work earlier this week, and I was talking to a coworker about Charlie's Angels (does that sound familiar?), and then I was telling her about an an ad I had heard on the radio in which the friendly announcer was asking if anyone had ever dreamed of being a PI. At which point I raised my right arm, waved it around and yelled "Me! ME! I wanna be a PI!!!!" It was a bit shocking to the people in the next car, I think. And, since I am THAT kind of story teller, I repeated that action to my poor, poor coworker while I related the story.

Wouldn't you know it....right at that time, in my little dollar store, was a tall and beautiful woman. She stopped in her tracks and gave me an odd look. Well, that's not out of the norm, but then she spoke. And told me that SHE was a private investigator. YES. I'm serious!

And, I kid you not, she was wearing tall black boots and a snazzy trench coat. YES SHE WAS. Would I lie to y'all?

So, I grilled her a little. Did she love her job? Yes, it was different everyday. Did she work for a big firm or a small agency? A big firm, but I was too excited to retain that information. Was she local? No, she was only in town for the day and worked out of a much bigger city.

I wanted to ask her how much her hair played a role in her job as a private eye, but I didn't. Her hair was gorgeous. So, she must know how well it works already.

I gotta tell ya, peeps. I want to be a PI. I WANT it. I CRAVE IT. This is not new. This didn't just pop into my pretty little head since I started re-watching the Angels. I have wanted this for as long as I can remember. Since I was a little girl snooping through anything and everything my parents owned. Sorry, Mom. I watched Murder She Wrote and Remington Steele, too. And Quincy. Not to mention that I had and read every single copy of Nancy Drew, Trixie Beldon AND the Bobsey Twins. And Encyclopedia Brown. And I read them all many times over.

I know I have no qualifications. Besides my hair, starting tomorrow. And my extensive fiction reading, of course. But, I am pretty good at getting info out of people. And, I am pretty determined and stubborn. No, I have no background in law and order. But, I married a soldier. Does that count? Also, I am very good at blending in. Well, except for the hair. The hair stands out.

As far as I know, there is no detective agency in this town. Or even a need for one. Obviously, they just call in the pretty amazon blond from the big city to swoop in on the tails of her trench coat. But, I am an army wife. We will move someday. I will end up in a big city again... someday. And, when that happens, watch me. You just watch me. Maybe I will even start up my own agency. Watch for me.

I'll call it "3.14159265".

WWJMD?

No. No, I have NOT completed the Ten Day Turnaround. I have not even started it. I know. I KNOW. I said I would. A week ago. I KNOW. It got busy around here. Lots of work. No time. And, yes, I know that the whole point of the Ten Day Turnaround is to help people, like me, to find the time to get the house organized and in a position to keep it relatively clean. Relative to a crack house, anyway. So, really, the fact that I have not even started the Ten Day Turnaround yet is proof that I am the very person who NEEDS it.

I've been trying to think up a way to motivate myself. Some way to get moving. Inspiration. Yes, a clean house would be nice. That's not the point. I need some way to make it just a bit more FUN.

I considered putting all one hundred cleaning items on individual papers and pulling each one randomly out of a bowl. But, then I realized how long it would take to write them all down. Scratch that.

I also thought that it might be fun to time myself. Each task would have a twenty minute time limit, or something like that. But, that stressed me out. Because ten items for twenty minutes each would be more than 3 hours. Right? Did I do the math right? Whatever. It's still a stressful amount of time.

It even crossed my mind to dress up like a crazy old cleaning lady, complete with warts on my nose. I could walk around the house mumbling and cursing about the dirty slobs I work for. But, that would involve shopping for a costume. I'm far too cheap for that. Although, I may keep my eyes open at yard sales this summer.

So, as I was discussing Charlie's Angels with a co-worker this week (because what ELSE would I talk about?), I thought of something. I just need to ask myself WWJMD? What would Jill Munroe do?

She'd get her hair done. Duh. Hair like that doesn't just HAPPEN. So am I. Getting my hair done. On Thursday. I'm getting a Farrah Fawcett haircut. I'm SO excited. I haven't had layered hair that I can feather since.....well, since it was in style a few decades ago. It looked really bad on an eight year old, though. It will look AWESOME now.


Jill Munroe would also call her Angels, of course. So, that's what I am doing now. Calling all my angels.

The original plan was to do the list on my own. I told the rest of the family not to worry about it. I would handle it. Why? I don't know. Temporary insanity. I'm far too busy to do a list like that on my own. Not when the monsters walk behind me dropping cereal and dog hair and dirty clothes onto any surface I clean.

So, I've called in MY angels. My kids, husband, pets. Whoever.

It's all about delegating, peeps. Delegating.
I'll keep you updated. I promise. I work a lot less this week.

Random Updates

I know y'all can't live without hearing about my days. I know. It's been a little bit busy here. What with my expensive cat and my Ten Day Turnaround list and extra hours at work and all. But, I am here to update you. It's OK. You can stop crying now.

Random Update Number One:
I have now watched all of the Season One episodes of Charlie's Angels on DVD. I miss the angels. I need more angels. Even though I know that Jill leaves in Season Two, I still want to watch it, anyway. Can I find it in this town, though? No. Am I too cheap to pay for shipping if I buy it online? Yes. Yes, I am. I may have to settle with Seasons One and Two of Murder She Wrote. I LOVE that scary old lady.

Random Update Number Two:
My sister got botox done. How cool is that?! I'm ever so jealous. She got it done in December, but neglected to tell me about it until now. Apparently she did not receive a ton of support. I think it's AWESOME. She should have called me first. I would LOVE to get it done. I have crazy wrinkles between my eyes that come from my smoking days. I always used to squint my left eye when I smoked. It made a Grand Canyon sized wrinkle that makes me look like I am angry and scowling at people. I would TOTALLY get needles in my face to stop that. It was a little pricey. Too much for me. But, that was a few provinces away that she got hers. I'm going to shop around here and see what the prices are. I was telling my husband about it. It was so cute the way he was trying to tell me that it wouldn't bother him if I spent the money on something like that, without sounding like he was saying that I NEEDED something like that.

Random Update Number Three:
Has anyone seen the movie Vanity Fair? I borrowed it from the library a few days ago. I'll be honest. I have never read the book. But, I like Reese Witherspoon. I thought it might be interesting. I gotta tell y'all.....it was a little confusing. Things kept happening off camera. Things that were pretty relevant to the plot, I thought. And then they would just be mentioned in a conversation a few scenes away. It felt like I was watching that episode of Futurama with the Harlem Globetrotters. You know, the one where they keep jumping forward in time. It was weird. I still liked Reese. She's very talented. I think I need to go borrow the book.

Random Update Number Four:
The cat is fine. He's feeling much better. And a lot lighter. He's also slightly stoned on his medication, so it's pretty funny to watch him try and jump off a chair. When I was visiting him at the vet, I looked him right in the eye and explained to him that he owes me. He gave me a look back that I'm pretty sure meant "Thanks, Mom. I'll pull you out of a burning building someday. Maybe."

Random Update Number Five:
My Ten Day Turnaround list is going AWESOME. I have never been so excited about getting my house clean. It's amazing what only forty things from my list has accomplished. And, it's not too stressful. There was a point, the other day when I spent most of the day at the vet and crying about money, that I didn't get a lot done. But, I crossed a few more things off the list before bed and started fresh the next day. There are still a few big jobs on the list. Like organizing my office. But, I'm not too worried. It's all broken up shelf by shelf. It will get done.
ALSO.....I lost my work locker key. It fell out of my jeans pocket. I figured it on the floor in my room somewhere, so I didn't really worry about. I was working on my list and I did number 44, vacuum the furniture. Guess what I found under the couch cushion? No, really. Come on. Guess. Who said ping pong balls? No, dummy, it was my KEY. I NEVER would have thought to look there. I would have torn my room apart looking for it. This list is AMAZING.